If you thought I sounded high in my last post, you're probably right. I had one too many cups of coffee. Now that I'm a little bit more subdued, thanks to sleep-recovery and a healthy dose of much-needed escapist television watching (DWTS winner Nicole! Woot! I wish Evan won a trophy, too, though -- a second-place trophy. He's a fantastic dancer! And he'd be so HOT as a vampire [skip to 2:24], ahahhaha), let me try clarifying what I meant in my caffeine-stupor post.
I won't lie.
I liked reading Twilight and its subsequent follow-ups (except for Breaking Dawn... stupid hype made me not want to read it anymore. And because each book got more and more ridiculous). I was in love with Edward Cullen. I actually wished I was Bella. I wanted sparkly, marble-framed, mind-reading, sleep-watching Edward for myself. And I also wanted goofy, funny, and totally hot werewolf-changing-mostly-shirtless Jacob Black to want me.
Why?
Because I was 15 years old at the time and I was a hopeless romantic/melodramatic teenager. (Thank goodness I grew out of that phase.)
I didn't know what love was. I still don't. But now, after what? Five years or so? I know it's not as dazzling as Stephenie Meyer makes it out to be in her novels, even though some (or maybe zillions, considering its undaunting popularity) beg to differ. I try to read her books, or any book for that matter, with a grain of salt.
Hence, I joined the dark side. Also known as the "Lolfans" (as coined by blogger Cleolinda Jones), who read and watch all things Twilight for the simple pleasure of the "lulz." In other words, to critique and occasionally (okay, mostly) use comedy as a tool to make social commentary on the franchise.
(Warning: Please prepare yourself for hours lost due to clicking random links [some of them featured in this post] that may either offend or entertain you -- assuming that you actually click them, that is. I'm about to get particularly spammy, posting a host of different links.)
Let's try poking a little fun at literary and pop culture icons, shall we? ;)
I absolutely hate it when the female protagonist defines herself as an extension of her boyfriend/husband/what-have-you. I guess that's why I hated reading Kate Chopin's The Awakening and Leo Tolstoy's Anna Karenina. By the way... why does LEVIN end up happy, and not Anna? I smell misogyny...
In case you're not familiar with Anna Karenina, or need a disturbing reminder:
Anna was a rich Russian housewife who fell for a studly miltary officer named Vronsky and left her husband to be with the dashing hunk. But then her relationship with him falls apart because Vronsky keeps taking her for granted. So after much suffering and grief at how cruddy her life turned out to be, Anna feels completely worthless and gets an idea. In excruciating, frame-by-frame slow-mo...
Here comes the train...
Sigh... Why can't Vronsky love me the way he used to?
There was once a time when I was happy and full of life, before all this misery.
I can see it now...
I was so young, so fair... so innocent and carefree...
I remember diving into the unknown, to feel alive. But now...
I must let go, and free-fall into the abyss...
No, I am not smoking cannabis. I am quite serious about this! That is train smoke you see! TRAIN SMOKE! Do you not know what this MEANS?
Lord, forgive me all!
And now I look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Disturbed?
I, for one, still shudder at the thought. (If you want to watch it yourself: click here)
So you can imagine my reaction when I read the part in New Moon where Bella tries to off herself by jumping off a cliff. As seen in the movie:
Bella, for a girl who reads a lot of heavy classic literature and aces her English classes, I expected you to be smarter! You might as well have some girl talk with Edna, Anna, and Juliet and spill your problems. Just be thankful you four gals are not Ophelia. Poor Ophelia's on-and-off boyfriend Hamlet killed her rat of a father, and even suggested that she go to a "nunnery" (or whorehouse, depending on your interpretation) because he's too insane (gasp! -- or is he?) and dangerous to be with her. Maybe you guys should have a sleepover and a...
A scavenger hunt! Like the girls in this movie!
Maybe you should all go on a scavenger hunt looking for your BFs!
Whoever finds their guy first WINS A PRIZE!
What is this prize, you ask? HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
As for YOU, Edward... you're an arse. There are easier ways to kill yourself than to expose your sparkly self to innocent tourists in Italy and to bring on the wrath of the Volturi. Like maybe douse yourself in kerosene, lock yourself inside your Volvo, and then strike a match? GENIUS.
Here are the reasons why I avoided reading Breaking Dawn so far... but now that I think about it, maybe I should read it. You know, to be an informed critic (and laugh, and then rage at how inconsistent and disturbing the details will be):
And to quote from Cleolinda Jones's recap of Book One in Breaking Dawn (Her words in purple text, while passages from Meyer's book are in italic purple)...
Bella is having a small pre-sexing breakdown in the bathroom. You know, I actually think this part is kind of well done, because I’m sure a lot of teenage girls reading the book can relate to anxiety about having sex for the first time. I mean, not so much with the marrying a filthy rich dazzling vampire, but then, that just makes the parts they can identify with so much more meaningful, don’t you think? Anyway, Bella finally joins Edward for a sensual midnight swim, and MAN, that was an abrupt fade to black. Also: TWO FOR FOUR! Thank God.
“How badly are you hurt?”
GOD, EDWARD. Someone thinks highly of himself. Also: STOP BEING SUCH A BUZZKILL, SPARKLESON. But wait!
“You . . . bit a pillow? Why?”
Bella, honey, there's a reason there's a queen on the cover of this book.
“Look, Bella!” he almost growled. He took my hand—very gingerly—and stretched my arm out. “Look at that.”
This time, I saw what he meant.
Under the dusting of feathers, large purplish bruises were beginning to blossom across the pale skin of my arm. My eyes followed the trail they made up to my shoulder, and then down across my ribs. I pulled my hand free to poke at a discoloration on my left forearm, watching it fade where I touched and then reappear.
Okay, that is actually fantastically creepy--waking up and looking down and having no idea that you’ve been all jacked up to hell. I will say sincerely here, well done. Unless… it wasn’t supposed to be creepy. Because it so is.
Also: The pillow-biting will never, ever stop cracking my shit up. Ever. OM NOM ROUGH SEX NOM.
Also-also, you know what? I bet half the problem would have been solved here if they hadn’t been in the missionary position. No, this is not actually stated. Whatever, you know they were.
“That,” I snapped. “That right there is why I’m angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward.”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I swear to you, I am writing this in real time—I had absolutely no idea she was going to say that.
OKAY, LET’S NOW ANGST ABOUT WHO THE SEX WAS BETTER FOR. SURE, LET’S DO THAT.
He touched the frown line between my eyebrows. “I’m making you unhappy now. I don’t want to do that.”
“Then don’t you be unhappy. That’s the only thing that’s wrong here.”
How about we all stop being unhappy? Look, you go fir—okay, let’s all stop being unhappy on the count of three, okay? OKAY?
Heeeeeee, Edward learned to cook breakfast from the Food Network.
(So many things have—probably for the best—been left unaddressed here. I mean, was it like fucking a popsicle? These are the questions I find myself asking.)
(Also, I foresee some horrifically awkward fan encounters in Robert Pattinson’s future. “So what positions do you think they did it in, tee hee!” He is probably going to want to upgrade the security system in his hair for that.)
Oh, the guilty, guilty pleasures of reading recaps... [insert evil laugh here]
Um, so yeah... I might actually read Breaking Dawn now. When put in the terms above, it might actually be worth the while (especially since the it's going to be split into two movies, with Oscar-winning director Bill Condon in charge of things... wonder if they'll be any good).
I also found this link someone shared on Cleolinda's blog, featuring a spoof on the birth of Bella's daughter. This is just too funny:
With that said, I'd really hate to be Bella.
I'd rather be Buffy.
Or Kat Stratford.
OH, AND JANE EYRE! (The novel which I'm currently reading, by the way.)
I like having strong female characters I can look up to and talk about. They don't let anyone compromise their principles, and they don't let anyone put them in a corner.
I guess that's why I prefer reading Meg Cabot's The Mediator series when it comes to paranormal romance. Heck, I'd love to be Suze Simon, too! (If there's ever going to be a movie version of the series, I'M SO TOTALLY WATCHING IT!)
Here's Meg's parody, which can also be found on her website. I absolutely love her witticism!
Did you answer "YES" to 2 or more of the quiz's questions and are concerned over the fate of your relationship? Call 1-800-BLADE.
So.
Want more Twi-Saga lulz? Enjoy the following links!
Here's a hilarious series of IM exchanges on livejournal that imagines Edward as a prissy, neat-freak scrap-booking virgin:
(Edward's cleanliness and scrapbooking fixations)
(in which Edward is appalled by certain visuals...)
(complete with Edward's laundry schedule!)
"Growing Up Cullen Part 4"
(in which Edward keeps track of Bella's er... cycle)
"Growing Up Cullen Part 5"
(Christmas with the Cullens... oh, dear)
A blog by one of the "Growing Up Cullens" authors.
... And for everything else that has to do with "Growing Up Cullen"
An article from Empire Magazine, thanks again to Cleolinda, in which, I kid you not -- RPattz actually says the following:
"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there."
If you haven't seen Buffy kick Edward's butt yet (which I mentioned 2 posts ago), check it out on Jonathan McIntosh's site. He's the clever creator of the video.
Here's a funny comic... in which Spike feels like he's walkin' on sunshine.
Until next time... Happy reading! ;)
