I'm Only Fooling Myself... Or Am I?

It's been months since I last updated, and all because of this long, crazy semester that's about to come to an end. Although I have looked forward to summer ever since February, I'm also feeling kind of wistful that the craziness is winding down. I've learned a lot lately -- about my family, about my friends, about my career goals, and about myself. I'm applying for those internships, and I'm going to put myself out there as a confident young woman who knows what she wants and strives to work toward her goals.

Some of you have probably wondered about the weird sense of hopelessness in that previous entry that I wrote way back in February -- please disregard that. I got over it (thank goodness!). It was a stupid and trivial little thing, something that shouldn't have even crossed my mind in the first place because of obvious circumstances (he had a girlfriend, and oh yeah, he was teaching one of my classes. I know, I had a bit of a lapse in judgment, haha). Now that that's done and over with, I've gotten on with completing the requirements for my major (6 more credits, and I'm done! I still have 24 credits to complete in order to graduate, though) and moved on with other interests.

With that said, prepare yourself for another silly thing that will probably make me sound like I'm in high school all over again...

In between the worrying about upcoming tests in cognitive theories, folk psychology, Power-point presentations on media portrayals of women, and tackling literary critique essays for my classes, I think that I stumbled and fell upon something wonderful.

So there's this guy... (Haha, that sounds so stupid already.) and I have a theory that he likes me.

It's been years since I was actually interested in a
guy, let alone someone whom I could envision myself having a really strong connection with. I still haven't dated anyone, but I'm not in any rush. I'd rather take things as they come, one step at a time.

There didn't seem to be any harm in talking to him, especially since we seemed confused over the same topics in class and he seemed like a really nice person. We'd look at each other and say "hi" from time to time. One time we made eye contact after taking a test, and he made a huge effort to smile and wave to me. It came out as kind of awkward and yet so adorable at the same time. He seemed like a genuinely sweet guy. So I worked up the courage to sit next to him and ask him questions about the homework that our professor would assign.

I was nervous as hell, but I tried to be nonchalant and helpful whenever we partnered up for group work and discussed the questions in the given exercises. We even kind of joked around with each other, and he actually laughed at some of the things I'd say even though I didn't think my comments were that funny to begin with. He'd get fidgety around me, start blushing when I talk to him, glance my way every so often, and even smile at me. When I casually asked about how his weekend was, he blushed, looked me in the eyes, and gave me a huge grin, like he was surprised and pleased that I actually asked him that question. I pretty much melted right then and there. I couldn't help but smile back at him.

It seemed like it would be alright to try to get to know him better as a friend, and since we were both confused over the same topics that would be covered in the final exam, I asked him if he wanted to study with me sometime, just to see how he'd respond. Mind you, that's the first I ever actually asked a guy if he wanted to spend some time together with me.

It shouldn't even be that big of a deal. I'd decided that if I truly was a feminist who believed in equality, then why the hell not ask him if he wanted to study together? Screw the mind games and just straight out ask him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

So I mustered up whatever courage I could, thinking that it's now or never, and then walked up to him after class and said, "Hey, I was just thinking... since we're both confused and having trouble with the same chapter, do you want to study together for the final?"

I didn't even think he would say yes, especially since he seemed distracted with so many other things going on with his other classes, and because he seemed busy in arranging the books in his bag when I asked him. He was even turning red, and I thought he'd pass on the suggestion. But as soon as I said it, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'd love to."

I couldn't breathe. I was floored. I felt like I was having one of those dreams that seemed too good to be true. He didn't just say, "Sure" or "Yeah, that would be helpful." He said, "I'd love to." I'd love to.

And then he took out his phone and asked me for my  number. I didn't think he'd even do that, since we would see each other again the next week for class, but in any case, it happened. We exchanged phone numbers, and he penciled me into his planner!

Maybe I invested too much hope in this one little phrase, but I couldn't help but get excited. I couldn't stop smiling to myself. Even my friends were overjoyed when I told them what just happened. They pretty much scared me when I saw them jumping up and down and squealing in excitement. It turns out that I'd done what neither of them had the guts to do: ask a guy I'm interested in to spend some time with me.

I suppose I was pretty brave. I still couldn't believe that I asked him and that he actually agreed to meet with geeky, glasses-wearing, braces-wearing, somewhat-shy-and-slightly-socially-awkward me. I was so happy and so full of hope that I couldn't think about anything else during that entire weekend.

But then yesterday, he didn't really talk to me much. When we were confirming our plans to study, he got a little... weird on me. He still laughed at some of the things I'd said and we still exchanged smiles with each other, but when it came to planning the where and when of our study session, he looked a little... overwhelmed. Freaked out. Maybe I scared him. I don't know. But he seemed incredibly nervous and even told me, "Well, you have my number in case you change your mind." And then he kind of... well, ran away. It was so awkward. And I felt mortified with confusion.

Was he no longer interested in hanging out? Did the thought of spending time with me studying for the final freak him out? Did he think I was being too forward in saying that I actually didn't have class that day?

OH GOD. I probably shouldn't have told him that. I think it made him nervous.

I feel like I'm Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You. I wanted to kick myself so badly.

My friends told me it's not a big deal and to stop listening to songs that tell me I'm a fool ("Fools Like Me" by Vanessa Carlton or "Only Fooling Myself" by Kate Voegele, anyone?). I shouldn't dwell on it too much. I should just treat the situation as though I'm just meeting up with a classmate to hang out and study for a final exam that we have together. And they're right. I shouldn't be too emotionally invested in something as casual as a study date (of course, the use of the term "date" is kind of ambiguous here). It's the rush of these darn emotions and the nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me to tread carefully that keeps tripping me up.

For all I know, he's probably just as shy and nervous about it as I am (he generally is pretty nervous and shy around me). My friends helped put things into perspective: maybe he does want to study with me, but he doesn't want to make me come to campus to study when I don't really have to. Maybe that embarrassed him. Or maybe it's just a part of who he is as a really polite gentleman (he's held open doors for me before).

I honestly don't know and there's really no way to find out what he's really thinking. But I'm definitely not going to cancel on him. I really want to help him do well on the final. If I can study and help him at the same time, then maybe there's still hope for us yet in passing the exam! If anything, we might hit it off and hang out again over the summer, even if it's just as friends. That's got to count for something.

As Vanessa Carlton says in her song "Fools Like Me":

"Fools like me / Oh, we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me...

Fools like me / Oh, we never see
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break for me to see...

At least I can say / I was not afraid / I loved you all the way / I'd pick the fool any day"

Still holding out hope and willing to take foolish risks --

This is yours truly,
J. Day

The Hopes to Find Inspiration and an Ever After

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who read the excerpt of my novel. I'm so glad you guys enjoyed it, and I'm especially thankful for your wonderful, constructive critiques! :)

Right now, I'm trying to work on the other chapters I have yet to write...

I... got stuck on the next chapter. I know what I want to write, and I'm able to easily get inside my character's head, but I'm somewhat hesitant to plunge further at full steam ahead because of so many distractions and so many worries floating in the back of my mind...

For instance:

1. Family responsibilities -- chores like cleaning my cluttered room and cooking dinner, as well as picking up my little sister from school.
2. School -- the new semester is starting this week, and I'm a little nervous about my classes. I haven't even ordered my textbooks yet, so I definitely have to deal with that later.
3. Youth group responsibilities -- I'm in the leadership position of the masonic youth group I'm part of, the International Order of the Rainbow for Girls... and I have yet to memorize my parts and plan for future events/activities. I seriously don't want to mess anything up, so I'm crossing my fingers that everything goes well.
4. Guys you're supposed to be completely immune to -- I saw tuberculosis recently, and even went so far as to say 'hi' to him like nothing was wrong, just to be nice. I didn't think much of it... until my sister told me he was staring again. And what bugged me even more was when my mother kept telling me that he was asking around for me, which is something that is pretty uncharacteristic of him, given the circumstances between us some years ago. My sister insists that I'm the one making it awkward because I refuse to talk to him (mostly because I don't really have much to say... and I'd much rather avoid any uncomfortable pauses and lead him on into thinking that I'm still into him -- which I'm not. Into him, that is. Flustered, but not into him. I'm pretty sure of it).
   
   But is that really completely my fault, especially when this guy stares at me but doesn't say a word? If he wants to talk to me, why can't he just come up to me and just try to say something, then?
   
   I'm not as mad as I used to be at him... a little guarded, maybe, but not mad. I realize now that the misunderstanding that took place in the past is pretty inconsequential, and it was both our faults. But COME ON. I was brave enough the last time, when I told him straight-out how I felt about him years ago. Why can't he be the brave one this time?
   
   Whatever... I'd rather not wait around forever. Maybe the next time, I'll woman up and ask him point-blank, "Have your eyes strained from trying to covertly look at me yet?" Just to jolt him out of his hiding place and maybe get whatever it is on his mind out in the open. Maybe it'll be good for the both of us to clear the air of unsaid things, of unresolved issues (whatever the heck those might be), of what's going on inside this paranoid weirdo's head. I just hope I've got the ovaries to do it.

Anyway. Now that I've gotten these out of the way, I feel a little better.

I'm listening to He Is We's "Happily Ever After" again, to find some inspiration to lift up my spirits. I may not know my ending... but hopefully I can find one for my good friend, Danica. A true friend in my head, hehe.

Let me riddle you a ditty,

It's just an itty bitty little thing on my mind.

'Bout a boy and a girl try to take on the world,

one kiss at a time.

Now the funny thing about it,

ain't a story without it,

but the story is mine,
And I wish I could say that it ended just fine.

We all wanna know....
How it ends.

Oh happily ever after

Wouldn't ya know, wouldn't ya know?

Oh skip to the ending

Who'd like to know?

I'd like to know

Author of the moment,
Can you tell me?

Do I end up, do I end up happy?

And oh man... I'm such a sucker for movies like this:

And of course, this dialogue between Prince Henry and Danielle (now the princess) is one of my faves:

Danielle: You, Sir, are supposed to be charming.
Henry: And we, Princess, are supposed to live happily ever after.
Danielle: Says who?
Henry: You know, I don't know.

I like to think that maybe Henry's onto something there.

We all have a story to tell. So until next time, my friends. Keep writing, keep finding that missing something, the path to your ever afters. I hope your ever afters are happy. ;)

Somewhere Only We Know

I didn't want to roll out of bed yesterday morning because it felt too warm and cozy. But, alas, I had to finally come to terms with the ungodly hour of 6:00 AM, for the sake of seeing my friends Katie and Agatha. We hadn't hung out in forever (well, since last spring).

It was the same old thing as last year's Alumni Day at the Academy of American Studies, except that most of the alumni that came were from the class of '09. Time feels weird - I'm in the middle of my sophomore year of college, and I only just graduated a couple years ago, but somehow there's this distance I feel. A kind of displacement. Like I belong, yet only on the periphery.

At around 9:00, We were served bagels and muffins for breakfast with a helping of some orange juice before heading into the auditorium, where the real reason for Alumni Day would take place. Each year, the assistant principal pretty much asked a group of alumni (representative of those who commute to school, dorm, or go to a private college) to answer some general questions about our college experiences. Katie, Aggy, Gloria, and I decided to sit somewhere toward the back so that we wouldn't get called on. And since we were really just there to see some of our favorite teachers again, the four of us decided to go upstairs to the 4th floor and find them, since there really wasn't any point for us to stick around that long in the auditorium.

We found our history and economics teachers - one of them even called Katie a "wise guy" for saying that there should be a thing as "AP Plumbing" when the conversation branched off into the practicality of having schools specificallly designed for future plumbers and electricians. We walked into the art room, thinking that we would find our funny, cool art teacher. But who did we find instead? The government teacher (who strongly resembles 'Mr. Clean' because of his shiny bald head) in the middle of giving his bored students a lecture. I guess some things don't change - his classes were always so tedious because he would spend most of his time overanalyzing every little so-called error that the Democrats would be doing. But still. Who would think that a junior government class would take place in the school's art room?

Anyway, moving on...
I saw my English teacher, but he was too busy teaching, so we didn't stop by to talk to him. I guess that maybe we still felt awkward around him because he would usually have a serious look on his face, as though he's always thinking deeply about something. He was the teacher that most of the girls would swoon over and crush on because of his charming personality and his enthusiasm for teaching. He was like the character Will Shuester in Glee. Katie was like, "I knew you still  had sonar ears when it came to hearing his name." So I had a bit of an infatuation for the guy. But he was one of the best teachers I've ever had, who pretty much opened a wider door to writing for me. The girls adored him; the guys wanted to be him (despite the occasional jokes they'd make out of stupidity). He was just one of those charismatic people, the type you can't ever seem to hate because there's just something about that person that makes you feel either inspired or motivated.

After that, Katie, Aggy, Gloria, and I just chilled out in Steinway. I didn't have cash on me, though I wished that I did. There were a couple of stores that sold really pretty and sparkly jewelry that would have gone well with a whole bunch of my outfits. But then again, everything became expensive. Earrings - the cute, costume type of earrings - used to cost around $3-$4. Now, a decent pair is at least $8. And if you want the really sparkly, elegant earrings, be prepared to fork over $20 to the cashier. Oh, the temptation of accessory shopping.

After walking around Steinway for some time, we headed over to Aggy's house and watched He's Just Not That Into You. I had already seen it twice before, but I couldn't get enough of it. Somehow, the movie always manages to make me laugh. It's become one of my favorite movies, ever. So forgive me if I'm about to sound a bit obsessive. :)

Out of all the storylines in the film, my absolute favorite is that of Alex and Gigi (played by Justin Long and Ginnifer Goodwin). They were the couple that I was rooting for since the beginning. I guess it's because I could really relate to Gigi.

For instance:
You think you've met a cute, funny, charming and decent guy - and you think that there might be a spark between you and him. But as it turns out, the guy ends up stomping on the little pieces of your heart as he walks out of your life because he's just not that into you. And it's a cold reality splashed onto your head, a jarring and painful truth that you cannot bear - the fact that you were rejected, unwanted, and alone. And it makes you wonder. It really makes you wonder what the hell it is that you did wrong. Your girl friends try to help. They pat your shoulder, offer a hug or maybe even their cashmere-clad shoulder to cry on because they care about you. But the truth is, they're probably just as lost as you are, and instead they tell you that the guy just can't handle your beauty and your brains and your delightful personality. So the guy runs, like every lying dipshit that's wormed his way into your life and shattered the already fragile pieces of your heart, while you just sit there and cry helplessly.

So maybe it is our faults. At least, partially. We let our imaginations get carried away too often, with aspirations for a fairytale ending with some shining knight you're destined to be with. Maybe we shouldn't live under the impression -- no, the illusion -- that we will end up with the perfect guy and live a wonderful, worry-free life.

Anyway, while we're on the subject, it's probably fitting to put some quotes from the movie here. And okay... so my favorite ones happen to be stuff that Alex and Gigi said. Just some food for thought:

• Gigi: A girl will never forget the first boy she ever liked.
  
• Gigi: We are all programmed to believe that if a guy acts like a total jerk, that means he likes you.
  
• Alex: If a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.
  
• Alex: So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.
  
• Alex: If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
  
• Gigi: Maybe he lost my number or is out of town or got hit by a cab.
  
  Alex: Or maybe he's not interested in seeing you again.
  
  
  
• Gigi: I would rather be like that, than be like you.
  Alex: Excuse me? What’s that supposed to mean?
  Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much, but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You think you've won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won; you’re alone, Alex! I may do a lot of stupid shit, but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.
  
• Alex: Hey, Kelly-Ann, uh, did I get any calls?
  Kelly-Ann: Since you asked me 11 minutes ago, no. Not a lot of phone traffic.
  Alex: [He checks his cell phone for a signal.]
  Kelly-Ann: Oh my god.
  Alex: What?
  Kelly-Ann: What’s her name?
  Alex: Who?
  Kelly-Ann: The girl, Alex.
  Alex: There's no girl.
  Kelly-Ann: You can't hide it, man. I know strung-out and you are S-T-R-U-N-G O-U-T.
  Alex: [He laughs it off.] Pleaseeee. [He starts to walk away.]
  Kelly-Ann: [She follows behind.] This is amazing. You can't focus, right? Jumping every time your phone rings, checking your email a hundred times a day, wishing you could write songs...
  Alex: [He scoffs.]
  Kelly-Ann: No, feeling the need to bring up her name in random conversations...it's always the same and it has happened to you, my friend.
  Alex: [He realizes she's right.] Shlt.
  Kelly-Ann: Welcome to my world, asshole. Let me get the door.

And so, it all culminates to this... My favorite scene in the entire movie. I just about swooned.
(I couldn't find a high-quality one without subtitles, let alone one on YouTube that allows embedding, so don't mind the German[?] subs, hehe.)


He's Just Not That Into You (You're My Exception)

Heidi | MySpace Video

I would melt if the guy of my dreams (whoever he is) told me that.
"You are my exception." :)

So the lesson? I'll give the stage back to Gigi, who cleverly put it this way at the end of the movie:

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.

But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.

Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment… you never gave up hope."

Wise words, indeed. ;)

Twilight... Zone?

So...

I saw "Twilight" a couple weeks ago... and I must say, the movie wasn't as bad as I thought. Although some of the acting could use some work, the film was true to the book, something that I'm happy about at least.


I had misgivings about Robert Pattinson playing Edward Cullen at first, but he wasn't actually that bad. His performance was believable - he really embodied Edward's mannerisms and personality (his moodswings, his mysteriousness, his intensity, his protectiveness, and his capacity to love fully). Heck, I even found myself saying in my head, "Move over, Kristen Stewart. I'M BELLA." hehe :)


Don't get me wrong, though. The hype still kind of bothers me. I could swear that whenever I take the subway, there's at least one girl sitting there, reading the first novel on the train. I've become a bit disillusioned about it that I have a tendency to roll my eyes. Most likely that girl is only reading because her friends are reading it, because it's the FAD. Not because she has a genuine interest in the story. Would she have picked the book up had the hype NOT been there? I hate to sound like a killjoy, but I honestly don't think so. And that's what bothers me, coming from someone who's read the series when it first came out, way before it became an international sensation. It's just becoming so cliched that it saddens me.


But anyway, watching the movie was just my little way of relieving some of the pressure I'm under right now. I had three papers due within this past week, as well as finals. I'll be really glad once everything's finally finished. I'm really looking forward to catching more hours of sleep.


And to recap some other highlights of my life so far in December...

• I just started reading another book called Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict. Although it sounds a bit corny, I couldn't help but indulge. It's about this 21st century woman from L.A. who one day wakes up and doesn't know where the heck she is or why her body is not her body. At first, it sounds a bit Kafka-esque in this sense. But the scenario is funny and definitely more optimistic than the Metamorphosis. Courtney Stone wakes up in the middle of early nineteenth century England as Jane Mansfield. She tries to find her way home, but eventually falls for someone in the wrong time period. She has to try to converge this dualism, to reconcile who she really is with the life that she only dreamed about (thanks to Austen's novels). It just sounds like an entertaining read.
  


• Nowadays, I keep noticing really cute guys, especially on the train and around Union Square. Is it just my hormones acting up? Or the fact that I'm boyfriendless and subconsciously craving for romance?
  
  On Thursday, Pris and I were on our way to meet up with Lily and Bianca at Union Square. We were riding the 6 to get there, and during the brief commute, a young man sat directly across from us. He was tall, handsome, stylish, and clean-cut, with a gold piercing on the upper part of his left ear (like a pirate. OMG. What's WRONG with me?). He was meticulously reading this paper, trying hard to concentrate. Then, most likely feeling cramped from where he was sitting (because the other people were pretty much hogging the space), he got up and sat next to Priscilla. And resumed reading his paper in deep thought. He struck me as the artsy, creative, intellectual type. I tried to keep myself from smiling, from laughing, from bursting out with "OH MY GOD, PRISCILLA, DID YOU SEE HIM? HIS GORGEOUSNESS?"
  
  Thankfully, I was able to contain myself and my irrational urge to go crazy. It wasn't until we exited the station and emerged to the street, that I finally told her. The funny thing was, we were both thinking the same thing. Maybe that was why she was covering her face, pretending to close her eyes and sleep on the train? Because he was sitting right next to her. LAUGH OUT LOUD.
  
  Sigh... We are losers, indeed.
  


• Here's the weirdest part of my day on Thursday...
  Have you ever recognized someone, but weren't sure it was really that person?
  
  After Bianca left and went to her class, all three of us - Lily, Pris, and I - went to look for another shoestore that might sell rainboots. It was pouring all day, especially that night. Pris wore suede flats, and was in dire need of rainboots. She picked out these cute, olive green rainboots, but Shoemania unfortunately ran out of boots her size. So we walked towards NoHo/SoHo and entered a shoe store called David Z.
  
  As soon as we walked in, there was a guy with thick-framed glasses and a lazy look in his eyes who worked there. I felt like I saw him before, but wasn't exactly sure...
  
  "Hello, welcome to David Z's," he said. "You could put your umbrellas over there in that box." Normal enough. I decided to think no more of it, figuring that my mind was playing tricks on me again.
  
  We walked around the store, browsing the different boots they had there. When we were standing by a table with UGGS on it, the guy said, "You ladies look like you might need them. It's winter now, so you'll want to keep your feet warm!" He sounded cheesy, like he was trying too hard to sell us something, anything from the store. But I have to admit, it was actually quite funny.
  
  Finally, we spotted the jackpot - about a few feet away was another table with shiny boots laiden on top. "Well, would ya look at that?" Lily said. "Those boots are tall, sleek, and dark! Just like you, Priscilla!" We burst out laughing.
  
  All the while, I was trying to suppress this weird feeling that kept piquing up.
  
  There were moments while we were in there when I felt like he was watching me. Sure enough, when I finally looked at him, he had the wisp of suspicious sarcasm on his mouth when he smiled. If you can even call it a smile.
  
  When Pris went to the cashier to pay for her newfound rainboots, Lily called me over to show me the cozy, warm moccasins she had bought about a month earlier. He walked over to us, and tried to smoothly ask Lily, "Do you go to Hunter, too?"
  
  "Uh, no," Lily replied. "I go to Brooklyn College."
  
  And that's when it hit me. It truly was him.
  
  "Don't think that I don't know who you are," Julien D. said to me. "I see you sometimes at Hunter. Remember? I was the guy who kept bothering you during Math class a couple years ago?"
  
  That kid who was still stuck in a Math A class during his junior year of high school, used to annoy me in Math A when I was a sophomore. That kid who said to me, "You stole my name and you stole my grade!" But was it my fault that our names sounded alike? If it was any consolation to him, people would sometimes misprounounce "Julianne" as "Julien." As for that test grade, I worked hard to get it. Of course, I knew he was just trying to bug me.
  
  After that one year of being in the same Math class, he finally stopped bothering me. Despite the fact that the Academy of American Studies was a small school, we became pretty much invisible to each other. He was a smart but lazy photography geek, who hardly ever combed his hair, wore a crazy montage of shirts and tight jeans with chunky disproportionate sneakers, and dated girls that were years younger than him.
  
  Now, after about two and a half years, he expects me to say hi to him. Like old pals. Right.
  
  "OH, Sorry," I said, nervously laughing and feeling odd. "I was trying to place your face. I sort of recognized you, but I just wasn't really sure."
  
  Then, since Priscilla was finished, she and Lily moved to grab their umbrellas. To minimize the weirdness that pervaded the atmosphere, I told him in the best cheerful voice that I could muster, "Well, thanks a lot for your help!"
  
  And we emerged into the pouring rain, on our way to get some Starbucks.
  
  Does this mean that I'm obliged to say hi to him in the future? I don't exactly know why this one incident lingered on my mind this past weekend. I don't even like the guy that way. I guess I'm just paranoid. It's hard for me to get over things, especially if it's something that throws off my expectations and teases me with a strange feeling in the pit of my stomadch. But I guess I'll get over the oddity and the awkwardness.

I have much more to write about, but right now my thoughts are scattered. I'll update later, loves. Hopefully with something that actually makes more sense.

Here's to the future.

Twilight... not so dazzling?

I don't know if it's the media hype getting to me, or the fact that people are only starting to read the novels because of the movie. But I feel somewhat disappointed. I'm not even sure why I feel this way, and I haven't even seen the movie yet. It starts playing in theaters today.

There are some mixed reviews that I have read in the papers so far. I don't know if it's false advertising or simply the hormonal craze to be seduced by a supernatural predator ravaging the minds of young, impressionable girls. Supposedly, the movie is good. However, it might as well depend on who you're asking. These "Twilighters," let's just call them for now (I'm one of them, but I'm not as carried away as most), might be more likely to tell you that the movie was awesome and that Edward Cullen is a sexy beast.

But according to Mina Hochberg, the movie critic in amNY, " 'Twilight' might be too anemic to hold your interest." It's kind of amusing how she calls Edward (played by Robert Pattinson) an intense, brooding fellow with a staring problem. Now that I think about it, he actually is. But can he help himself when he's so attracted to the sweetest thing he's ever encountered? She's like chocolate to him. As Hochberg puts it, "If you thought hormones made men act up, try blood-lust." HAHA. But that's besides my point.

Hochberg wrote that when it comes to the dialogue between the two forbidden lovebirds, "you can't tell if the awkwardness comes from teen angst or clumsy acting." She says, "The stilted script makes it difficult to relate to the characters... Even as a romance, the chemistry is tepid... It's not enough to make a compelling love story. Or an action story, for that matter."

That is precisely what I fear - the movie may not measure up to the high standards that I have developed for the plotlines and Meyer's storytelling style.

I don't know if it's just me, or if it's the way that the movie was advertised, or if something is lacking in the actors' enthusiasm (based on what I've seen in the trailers), but somehow I'm not as excited as I thought I would be.

Or perhaps I grew out of placing Edward Cullen on a pedestal. He's too perfect, even for a vampire. I mean, for crying out loud - Instead of turning her into an immortal, youthful-looking vampire, Edward wants Bella to live her life fully as a normal human being (which means that she would grow old... I honestly don't blame her for being upset on her birthday).

He's just too perfect, it's unnerving. And unrealistic... Maybe living vicariously through Bella Swan's experiences just aren't cutting it for me.

Perhaps I crave for something more, something real. Someone real. Someone... three-dimensional, soft-spoken, clever, funny, somewhat serious yet also laid-back, and humble. Someone who makes me feel comfortable in my own skin, just the way I am. His only superpower would be to make me swoon, causing my heart to melt with a single goofy, lop-sided smile. Someone who I don't fear, but who I would fear losing. So there's my ideal guy. Or not even an ideal... more like just an idea of what he would be or should be like.

Anyway, I might watch the film sometime within the upcoming week. I'll give it a chance just to see how it goes and how it compares to the book (which I still think will prove disappointing). But whatever, I guess. I'll toss my whims to the winds of chance and see what happens.

"Everyday"; Thoughts on Television & Literature

This song came up on my mp3 player on my way to school this morning. It's called "Everyday" by Toby Lightman, and it got me thinking about relationships with others, whether they're family, friends, classmates, coworkers, etc. I love the message it conveys: All that matters is staying true through and through to yourself. The words are comforting, and they help keep me going whenever I find myself in a bind.

>>Here's the excerpt from the lyrics of "Everyday" by Toby Lightman --

"Everyday is a struggle between what I wanna say
And what I should keep to myself
And the words that manage to leave my lips
Don't hurt me, but they hurt everyone else

And I find myself in need of a pause
I'm not sure why, but I think that it's because
Of this desire to be what others want me to be
Which is nothing close to me

[Chorus:]
But I'll see better when the smoke clears
When the smoke clears inside my head
And I can listen when the screaming doesn't repeat everything I've said
And all that remains me and who I am at the end of the day
And this happens everyday"


On a separate note, I'm pretty stoked about the new shows on t.v. premiering this fall. Last week, I just saw a 2-hour special of one of my favorite shows, "Bones." It's so fascinating how in order to solve a case, all of the characters - whether they're a cop, FBI agent, psychologist, or forensic scientist - have to put their heads together and find all the missing pieces.

I hardly ever watched t.v. last year, but shows like "90210" and "Privileged" on the CW seem promising, as well as "Samurai Girl" on ABC Family. Speaking of which, the show "Samurai Girl" compelled me to finally read the book series by Carrie Asai. I heard the novels are really hard to put down and draw readers immediatey into the story. Hopefully the show holds up to this standard and stays true to the books. I'll be reading and comparing the literature to the t.v. show (yet another one of my nerdy habits, hehe).

It annoys me when a novel or series gets turned into a movie, and the film pales in comparison to the literary glories of the original book or series. With this in mind, I hope the upcoming movie "Twilight" (coming out on December 12th!) lives up to the first of Stephenie Meyer's novels.