If my life was a television show, then "One Step at a Time" by Jordin Sparks would be my theme song. It's so catchy and uplifting, comforting me when I feel lonely.
I kept thinking about how I'm going to get through the years to come: Will I make friends, and not just mere acquaintances? Or will I end up falling into silence?
I mean, I met and talked to new people inside and outside of class. But after a while it becomes so awkward between us when we run out of words to say or a reason to say something. It's like there's a thread of tight silence dangling in the air, begging to be cut, but left to linger. When a group of us would hang out during a free period, it eventually becomes so plain to see that people would break off into their own little conversations, as though they're in a little clique of their own. Obviously, you're more likely to talk to someone who has something in common with you or that you knew before. Earlier this week when we went out for lunch with a group of people from our classes, Priscilla and I were literally sitting in the middle of the table as the group then branched off into their own little bubbles - those who live on Long Island or Staten Island, and those who previously knew each other. We both tried to jump into the conversations that were going on, but in the end, we just couldn't really relate to what they were talking about, and we didn't want to sound as though we were forcing ourselves. So instead we just sat there, listening and occasionally exchanging glances when we heard something funny that someone said.
It scares me to think that if Priscilla and I didn't go to the same college, I would have freaked out even more. I mean, I could deal with chilling out by myself for an hour, but any longer than that, I think I'll go crazy. "How do people do it?" I asked Priscilla yesterday. How do people already find a connection with someone only within the span of a couple of weeks in a totally new environment? I felt like an extraterrestrial observing human behavior, and sometimes I'd wonder if I'm socially inept. I kind of wish I wasn't so introverted and could talk to other people with ease and confidence. But as Priscilla and my other friend Liliana pointed out while we were hanging out at Lily's house yesterday, we're still trying to adjust and figure out where we belong. I just want to meet someone with whom I can really connect with, who sparks excitement and spontaniety to the otherwise "chill" demeanor of most people I've met so far. Not that I have anything against them. But I want to meet someone who's quirky, vivacious, and intriguing, who'll make me smile or laugh with their contagious love for life.
Anyway, having said all this, I'm pretty sure that I still need to adjust. It's just hard getting used to the fact that you're adjusting, that you're not yet in that comfort zone you so crave to have back. But I guess it's a matter of hunting for it, of reaching out to find it. If only I wasn't so scared or shy, then maybe I'd actually get somewhere. For now, it seems I can only take my time and go with the flow.
Take things one step at a time.
I wrote the poem below during my 1 hour break before Philosophy today. It's not one of my best, so I'm not sure if it makes sense. Hopefully the metaphor makes it clear. But I still plan to edit it somehow and actually come up with a title.
I am a remnant washed up empty on the shore,
Seemingly hollow and void of value,
Broken and chipped in one jagged corner.
A whisper dwells inside this brittle seashell,
Barely a pulse, barely a beat,
Yet as hallow as a secret unshared.
I remain unnoticed, unseen, and half-buried underneath
Salty sand, seemingly silent,
Waiting, wishing, wondering of my fate
As eternity stretches out above and beyond me.
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