Distraction, Direction... and a whole lot of Maybe.

So it's been a couple of weeks.

I turned 1-9 on the 8th. Although, I still feel like a kid lounging around the house in my bedhead and pajamas, eating to my heart's content in front of the television. I admit that I actually enjoy the Disney Channel still, even though I say that I'm forced to watch it because of my 10-year-old sis. (And oh yeah, did anyone watch that new show, "Sunny with a Chance"? Finally. Goodbye, Hannah!) I'm just young at heart, I guess. I'll probably still be this way 10, maybe 20 years from now.

I still play video games. Sort of. I wish I had a Wii sometimes, but as of yet... Fat chance. I can't even get myself a laptop. But whatever. Instead, I play online. Rohan: Blood Feud - that's the name of the game I'm currently into right now (just so you know, it's got nothing to do with LOTR). In between chores, studying, catching up with my shows, writing, and keeping in touch with friends, I let myself get absorbed into an action-packed world of mystical wonder and adventurous quests. Purely a distraction, just to escape reality for a bit.

This probably sounds stupid, but I actually enjoy pretending that I'm a Dekan (aka Dragon Knight) or a Dark Elf (aka powerful Magician) out to conquer the continent of Rohan. I have a Dekan named Erawyn (I just made that name up) and a Dark Elf named Amrita ("Ambrosia" was taken, so I just took the its Hindu equivalent. Both pretty much mean "elixir of life.")

For anyone wondering how this game kind of looks like, check it out here: http://www.playrohan.com/

Below is Erawyn, the Dragon Knight. And okay... Dekans are supposed have the ability to transform into dragons by like, level 50, and yet their mounts are dragons. But all nonsense aside, here she is:

Nerdy-sounding, I know.

But it kind of gives me ideas of what to write about. Even if what I've written are mostly scratches on scrap, a little of this and that which probably make no sense. At least it's something. Something to keep my mind preoccupied. I think I finally figured out the direction I want my story to go.

But I'm not saying anything else. Besides the fact that it can be characterized as a kind of fantasy/suspense sort of fiction. It's still in the works. I'll probably share a few excerpts of it, once I finish the first five chapters. :)

Anyway, I feel... I don't know. Odd? Different? Different. That's probably it. But to what extent, I'm not sure I can say.

For one thing, TB (and yes, I've noticed his initials resembles that of tuberculosis, hehe) actually wrote "Happy Birthday" on my Facebook wall. That's a first. It's been three years since that summer...

Long story short:

Three years ago, the summer when we were both 16, I liked him as more than just a friend and thought that he felt the same way. TB figured it out because of his "paranoia". At a pool party, he shyly asked me for a kiss. I swooned from the inside out. The next thing I know, he blames it on frozen margaritas two weeks later.

Idiot.

He still gets under my skin sometimes. I can't even begin to tell you how much he made my day when I saw what he wrote on my Facebook page. It really bothered me that it made my day. If I was so elated, did that mean I was still harboring some kind of subconcious crush on him?

After that fiasco that summer, I couldn't stay mad at him for long. Especially since he kept on apologizing. For cryin' out loud, the dude thought that I dedicated a song to him on my profile, simply because the lyrics were sad (it was actually one of my favorites at the time - "Memory" by Sugarcult). And what did he do? TB uploaded another song by the same band called "Counting Stars," with apology written all over it. Although, I have to admit it... The gesture was actually kind of sweet. Almost.

To this day, whenever we happen to be in the same room at a party or function (because we're both part of the Masonic youth groups), he gets so awkward and just stares when he thinks I'm not looking. What he doesn't know is that I can get paranoid, too. I guess it got the best of us.

I forgave him, of course. I'm not that petty to begrudge him. I just wish things turned out differently. If only...

Damn him for being so cute and funny. For being so fascinating. For caring so much.

My sister knew from the beginning that there was something between us. Maybe I shouldn't have listened to her. Then again... maybe she was right. And I just didn't want to admit it at the time. It just hurt that when I finally did, the painted dream got splashed with rejection. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, as they say.

Since then, I've learned to shield myself. Tell myself that guys are just... gahhhhh. There's not even an adequate word for them. Jerk-itis. Maybe that's what it is. That's partly why I decided to take Psychology. To figure them out.

But with TB, it's hard to read between the lines. Sometimes he's such a walking jargon of juxtapositions. And just when I think I'm over him, just when I think I'm through - I get sucked back into this jinx he's put me in. Julianne the Jinxed. If he only knew...

Whatever. I'll only keep fooling myself. I'm a little older, a little wiser now.

At least I have my friends and their contagious craziness. On the 6th Liliana, Priscilla, and I were feeling a little adventurous. After our classes were finished, we decided to celebrate both Priscilla's birthday and mine. On an impulse, we walked all the way from East 68th Street to West End Avenue and 63. All because of one line from a song we all loved. Even though there was nothing to see as we stood there freezing our arses off, I absolutely loved every minute of it. ;)

Little things like that keep me going. Maybe I just crave a little more of these little things. Like a nice surprise. (Then again, it really was a nice surprise that TB actually remembered my birthday. But moving on...)

Anything to make my day more... remarkable.

Sighing in song as I sign off until my next post...

"Let me down you say never baby blues don't you ever

I'm used to being one with the misfortune to find

Afternoons run for cover and full moons just wonder

What it looks like here on my morningside

I could try to forget what you do when I let you get

Through to me but then you do it over again

I could rage like a fire and you'd bring rain I desire

'Til you get to me on my morningside"