I'm Only Fooling Myself... Or Am I?

It's been months since I last updated, and all because of this long, crazy semester that's about to come to an end. Although I have looked forward to summer ever since February, I'm also feeling kind of wistful that the craziness is winding down. I've learned a lot lately -- about my family, about my friends, about my career goals, and about myself. I'm applying for those internships, and I'm going to put myself out there as a confident young woman who knows what she wants and strives to work toward her goals.

Some of you have probably wondered about the weird sense of hopelessness in that previous entry that I wrote way back in February -- please disregard that. I got over it (thank goodness!). It was a stupid and trivial little thing, something that shouldn't have even crossed my mind in the first place because of obvious circumstances (he had a girlfriend, and oh yeah, he was teaching one of my classes. I know, I had a bit of a lapse in judgment, haha). Now that that's done and over with, I've gotten on with completing the requirements for my major (6 more credits, and I'm done! I still have 24 credits to complete in order to graduate, though) and moved on with other interests.

With that said, prepare yourself for another silly thing that will probably make me sound like I'm in high school all over again...

In between the worrying about upcoming tests in cognitive theories, folk psychology, Power-point presentations on media portrayals of women, and tackling literary critique essays for my classes, I think that I stumbled and fell upon something wonderful.

So there's this guy... (Haha, that sounds so stupid already.) and I have a theory that he likes me.

It's been years since I was actually interested in a
guy, let alone someone whom I could envision myself having a really strong connection with. I still haven't dated anyone, but I'm not in any rush. I'd rather take things as they come, one step at a time.

There didn't seem to be any harm in talking to him, especially since we seemed confused over the same topics in class and he seemed like a really nice person. We'd look at each other and say "hi" from time to time. One time we made eye contact after taking a test, and he made a huge effort to smile and wave to me. It came out as kind of awkward and yet so adorable at the same time. He seemed like a genuinely sweet guy. So I worked up the courage to sit next to him and ask him questions about the homework that our professor would assign.

I was nervous as hell, but I tried to be nonchalant and helpful whenever we partnered up for group work and discussed the questions in the given exercises. We even kind of joked around with each other, and he actually laughed at some of the things I'd say even though I didn't think my comments were that funny to begin with. He'd get fidgety around me, start blushing when I talk to him, glance my way every so often, and even smile at me. When I casually asked about how his weekend was, he blushed, looked me in the eyes, and gave me a huge grin, like he was surprised and pleased that I actually asked him that question. I pretty much melted right then and there. I couldn't help but smile back at him.

It seemed like it would be alright to try to get to know him better as a friend, and since we were both confused over the same topics that would be covered in the final exam, I asked him if he wanted to study with me sometime, just to see how he'd respond. Mind you, that's the first I ever actually asked a guy if he wanted to spend some time together with me.

It shouldn't even be that big of a deal. I'd decided that if I truly was a feminist who believed in equality, then why the hell not ask him if he wanted to study together? Screw the mind games and just straight out ask him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

So I mustered up whatever courage I could, thinking that it's now or never, and then walked up to him after class and said, "Hey, I was just thinking... since we're both confused and having trouble with the same chapter, do you want to study together for the final?"

I didn't even think he would say yes, especially since he seemed distracted with so many other things going on with his other classes, and because he seemed busy in arranging the books in his bag when I asked him. He was even turning red, and I thought he'd pass on the suggestion. But as soon as I said it, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I'd love to."

I couldn't breathe. I was floored. I felt like I was having one of those dreams that seemed too good to be true. He didn't just say, "Sure" or "Yeah, that would be helpful." He said, "I'd love to." I'd love to.

And then he took out his phone and asked me for my  number. I didn't think he'd even do that, since we would see each other again the next week for class, but in any case, it happened. We exchanged phone numbers, and he penciled me into his planner!

Maybe I invested too much hope in this one little phrase, but I couldn't help but get excited. I couldn't stop smiling to myself. Even my friends were overjoyed when I told them what just happened. They pretty much scared me when I saw them jumping up and down and squealing in excitement. It turns out that I'd done what neither of them had the guts to do: ask a guy I'm interested in to spend some time with me.

I suppose I was pretty brave. I still couldn't believe that I asked him and that he actually agreed to meet with geeky, glasses-wearing, braces-wearing, somewhat-shy-and-slightly-socially-awkward me. I was so happy and so full of hope that I couldn't think about anything else during that entire weekend.

But then yesterday, he didn't really talk to me much. When we were confirming our plans to study, he got a little... weird on me. He still laughed at some of the things I'd said and we still exchanged smiles with each other, but when it came to planning the where and when of our study session, he looked a little... overwhelmed. Freaked out. Maybe I scared him. I don't know. But he seemed incredibly nervous and even told me, "Well, you have my number in case you change your mind." And then he kind of... well, ran away. It was so awkward. And I felt mortified with confusion.

Was he no longer interested in hanging out? Did the thought of spending time with me studying for the final freak him out? Did he think I was being too forward in saying that I actually didn't have class that day?

OH GOD. I probably shouldn't have told him that. I think it made him nervous.

I feel like I'm Gigi from He's Just Not That Into You. I wanted to kick myself so badly.

My friends told me it's not a big deal and to stop listening to songs that tell me I'm a fool ("Fools Like Me" by Vanessa Carlton or "Only Fooling Myself" by Kate Voegele, anyone?). I shouldn't dwell on it too much. I should just treat the situation as though I'm just meeting up with a classmate to hang out and study for a final exam that we have together. And they're right. I shouldn't be too emotionally invested in something as casual as a study date (of course, the use of the term "date" is kind of ambiguous here). It's the rush of these darn emotions and the nagging voice in the back of my mind telling me to tread carefully that keeps tripping me up.

For all I know, he's probably just as shy and nervous about it as I am (he generally is pretty nervous and shy around me). My friends helped put things into perspective: maybe he does want to study with me, but he doesn't want to make me come to campus to study when I don't really have to. Maybe that embarrassed him. Or maybe it's just a part of who he is as a really polite gentleman (he's held open doors for me before).

I honestly don't know and there's really no way to find out what he's really thinking. But I'm definitely not going to cancel on him. I really want to help him do well on the final. If I can study and help him at the same time, then maybe there's still hope for us yet in passing the exam! If anything, we might hit it off and hang out again over the summer, even if it's just as friends. That's got to count for something.

As Vanessa Carlton says in her song "Fools Like Me":

"Fools like me / Oh, we love blindly
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break in front of me...

Fools like me / Oh, we never see
And the cracks don't count
It's gotta break for me to see...

At least I can say / I was not afraid / I loved you all the way / I'd pick the fool any day"

Still holding out hope and willing to take foolish risks --

This is yours truly,
J. Day